For those of you who have already broken the Lenten Carbon Fast, there's hope! You can confess your sins against Mother Earth to (drum roll, please!)
FATHER LEFTY GOODVIBES!
Observe a sample of Father's wonderful work!
(Father Goodvibes sits in his confessional. A rather distraught woman enters..)
Woman: Bless me, Father, for I have sinnned.
Father: My daughter, so that I can have perspective in giving spiritual advice, tell me a bit of your background.
Woman: Well, I left my husband and three small children. You see, I determined that I'm gay, and have moved in with my girlfriend, whom I met at our monthly wiccan-activists meeting. I'm also studying to be ordained a priestess. I also spend Saturday mornings at the local women's health center to combat those rigtht-wing extremists who want to deny women their right to choose.
Father: Why, that's wonderful, my daughter!
Woman: But what brings me here is this. I've (sob!) broken the lenten carbon fast! I let my car idle while I checked my mail box, emitting green house gases. I have not properly recycled my garbage. I have not converted my lamps to those squigly, mercury-filled bulbs. I've wasted hot water in my daily showers. I have not let my dishwasher breathe!
Father: Why, that's terrible, my daughter!
Woman: Oh, Father, I am so ashamed! I have put Mother Earth in the emergency room! (starts to cry unconsolablely)
Father: You must make amends! For your penance, you must sit through ten showings of Al Gore's movie "Inconvenient Truth" and buy at least three carbon offsets. Now go out to the parish compost pile, breathe in the fragrance of recycling. Now go, and be at peace as you become one with the Earth.
Woman: Thank you, Father!
Minutes later, we see that this woman has joined other penitents circled around the parish compost pile. They are holding hands, singing "Polar bears drownin', Lord! Kum-bye-yaaaah!"
Thus ends our parody! At least, I hope it's a parody. I fear, though, these days, the above scenario may, in some confessionals, resemble fact more than fiction! During this time of Lent, I would urge the use of the Sacrament of Confession to truly put yourselves aright with God and His Church, as has been done for hundreds of years.